FIRE YOUR THERAPIST !

This blog explores Relational Affective Therapy and how what happens in the limbic brain, the emotional center, determines whether therapy is successful. Most therapies are cognitive and are more involved in thinking process and behavioral changes. If therapy does not get below the surface to core emotions, to "implicit", stored emotional memory, and establish an emotional connection with the therapist, then substantial change will not occur.

Many people complain that therapy, both individual and couple’s, has not been effective. THIS THERAPY ACTUALLY WORKS. I have great confidence that my clients who face their emotional challenges will change and heal. This blog is open to therapists and to those who suffer from depression, anxiety, compulsive behavior, addictiion, and relationship issues. This blog’s purpose is to discuss, ask questions, and give feedback. It is not intended to be a substitute for therapy, only an aid.

With all the “speed” in our lives we tend to forget how precious life is. Or maybe we do not forget since we may never have realized how special and wonderful life truly is. When we are caught up in doing, getting things done, staying busy,or accomplishing tasks, we miss out on what is delightful and fascinating.

Let’s start out with the morning; the alarm goes off. I lie in bed for a few moments.

Do I experience the wonder of looking out the window at the 100 foot, beginning to bloom, deciduous tree that is framed by the blue, gray sunrise?

Or do I go into thinking mode figuring out how much time I can lie in bed before I HAVE to get up?

As I write this, do I let the words flow and enjoy the wonder of what will come next and enjoy the sensations of experiencing the notion of precious life,

Or being in this moment writing about such a meaningful, satisfying, and significant topic.

Not labeling this moment, task, thought, feeling, etc. as good or bad is a quite pleasant sensation. I can make this more a part of my life by contemplating this moment as often as possible and being in the experience of this moment no matter if painful or pleasant or in between.

Getting my clients in this experience is always my intention. As this is the therapeutic place of truth, honesty, genuiness.

My view of depression and anxiety are that both are the result of how one manages emotions. Because almost all of us as children were either punished, ignored, shamed, or discounted for our emotions we learned that emotions were off limits and to be avoided at all costs. Because of what exists in our emotional memory, we respond to our own feelings as we were responded to as children.In Emotional Storm by Michael Eigen, it speaks of how we pathologize emotions: that is, if we have strong emotion- anger, sadness, grief, resentment,etc then something is wrong, something is wrong with us. We need to get past the emotion and get to place of calm and feeling good. We are unaccustomed to having emotions be full and present in our bodies and life but that is what is healthy and satisfying if we can get to place of becoming comfortable with the discomfort.

So, emotion is key in terms of depression, anxiety, and relief

This Chapter is about a couple who had very little awareness of their internal realities or of how to communicate feelings. In this particular session they were both able to experience core feelings for the first time in their lives and in their relationship. He had had an affair and was oblivious to how this impacted his wife until he felt these core feelings and then, as you will see, he immmediately had compassion for her. She was clearly impressed and moved by his new found compassion. - Christopher

17 - Juan and Maria

Juan and Maria began couples therapy with Christopher six months after Juan had ended an affair. In this particular session, Juan was quite agitated. He told Christopher about his work and how bitter he was feeling toward his former employer.

For over twenty years Juan worked for a company that grew vegetable sprouts, eventually becoming the primary contact person between the company and most of its clients. Juan delivered carefully packaged and sanitized bean, alfalfa and spicy sprout mixes to local health food stores in the area. Exposed to tube-lighting set up in the back of the truck, the sprouts would turn an appealing green while he made his daily deliveries.

Juan described his employer as a penny-pinching, well-to-do woman whom he tolerated because of her age and ill-health. A year before he and his wife had begun therapy, Juan approached his employer for a raise. She offered him twenty-five cents per hour, and he told her he could make more money elsewhere. She told him to go ahead, find another company. Insulted, Juan quit to start his own business, taking many of the customers he had nurtured and cared for with him.

Christopher recounted to me how angry Juan had become: “On this day it was really eating at him, as if he had never mattered at all. In spite of the fact that a year has passed and he was doing well with his own business, he was still bitter.”

After Juan had gone on for some time about his employer’s careless dismissal, Maria attempted to calm him, “Please stop feeling this way. It’s just poisoning your life, our life.” Maria kept asking Juan to stop feeling what he was feeling, until finally, Christopher gently interrupted her:

“Maria, wait. Try encouraging Juan to tell you more of what he is feeling. Let him be angry and vindictive. Let’s see what happens.”

Hearing this, Juan looked perplexed: “I can just keep going? It’s really okay?” Christopher nodded as Maria cautiously agreed, looking dubious. Another stream of anger and vitriol poured out of Juan: “I can’t believe how much I gave of myself to her, and then she did this to me! I’ll put her out of business! I am putting her out of business, the old crank. I’m taking her customers away!”

Maria looked at Christopher with pleading eyes, “Is that enough?”

Christopher paused, then said, “Okay, Maria, now I want you to acknowledge Juan. Tell him what you just heard from him.”

Inhaling deeply, Maria turned toward Juan, “I can see how angry and bitter you are, how much you hate Antoinette for how she treated you…how she didn’t value you or your work, how expendable you felt…how terrible it feels to be discarded—to be betrayed like that.”

Christopher now urged, “Maria, tell him that you want to hear more. He’s still got ammo in there that needs to come out.” After Maria did this, Juan continued on, then, suddenly, he drew a long breath.

“Oh my God…this is what I did to you! I betrayed you just like my boss betrayed me.” With a lowered voice, Juan said, “Now I know what you’ve been feeling this whole year.” Humbled, he was exquisitely aware of his wife’s tears.

The room grew very quiet. Christopher waited, then said, “Maria, what’s happening? Tell Juan what you are experiencing.”

Maria looked at Juan, and said, “I feel this…this comfort in my heart. I have never felt anything like this before…”

“Stay with that,” Christopher told her, “Tell Juan what you’re feeling right now.”

“Oh…I just feel this peace…this calm. I can tell that you know…you feel…what I’ve been going through this whole time…how painful it has been for me.”

Tenderness filled the room as Juan looked at Maria: “I’ve never felt this before either…I feel so connected to you.”

Christopher told me that Juan grew up in a culture and a family in which he was actively taught to not feel or express or condone an emotional state because it was considered a sign of weakness. Listening, I think of Juan’s inability or unwillingness to express his emotional being as casting a spell of loneliness over him.

Then speaking to Juan, Christopher said: “When you embrace your pain, look at what happens. You needed Maria to hear you, to acknowledge your feelings over how you were betrayed. Her willingness to really listen to you helped you go to that core in yourself, that painful place beyond the anger, where you could finally access all that sadness and connect to your own feelings. This was the opening you needed to begin to feel compassion and caring for your wife’s pain—and that opened you both to a place of inner peace and calm…suddenly you could feel that tender connection to Maria.”